What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 03:00
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Anxious-depressed individuals underestimate themselves even when they’re right - PsyPost
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was scared of men, in general
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We all went to grammer schools
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Ive learnt so much.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Why do men think all women are the same?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Why would a spouse cheat if the marriage is good?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
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And i lived it daily.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One cannot live in the past .
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was 9 years of age.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Im still living with it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She wouldn,t have been !
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As i do to all so called friends.?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Who then, do I blame.?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We were not on the streets..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He resisted the act ,that day.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Put me off passion for life!!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I waited trembling.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was very sick at this time too.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She was in good health!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Especially a lifetime of it.
She found it foreign!.
My family never makes their pension either.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I never cut or harmed myself..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was seconnd youngest,
It was going to be , some day.
She loved him until the end.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I said to her
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
All the time i was locked up.
Would this be the day?
I think the readers, may guess!
So whats the point in blame.
So, i spoilt her more .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He knew the spot.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
This is soul school!.
When she asked me how she looked .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But it wasn’t much.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I write beautiful poetry .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I have no regrets .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She married twice! .
I will be 64.
What did i know ?
I could never make a relationship work though!
My life is so biszare .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Comes on , in middle age.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But, we were locked up after school.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I don,t even have a pension.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.